Dearest Amai,

 

She started, but the right words would not come out. I love you? I need you? Your hair is just the perfect shade of chocolate against your pearl skin? It still seemed impossible for Jillia to phrase her feelings, even after so many failed attempts.

 

“Jillia,” Professor Raber said, interrupting Jillia’s thoughts. “What are your impressions of the ‘dark ages’ period of Ancient Earth?”

 

Jillia switched quickly back to her lesson and looked at the page the class was on. It was a picture of a large, metal device, like a standing coffin filled with spikes. A quick scan of the text told her the unwieldy contraption had been built for the sole purpose of causing someone torment and death.

 

“It seemed a very painful time to be alive.”

 

So far, all of Ancient Earth history seemed like that.

 

After class Jillia had a 30 minute flight back home. Other classes let her holo in, but Professor Raber demanded that people come in person for her Ancient Earth History class, because the people of ancient Earth didn't have holo technology and had to physically travel to wherever they needed to be.

 

Before home, though, the highlight of her day was her detour to Highland Park to see Amai.

 

People these days didn’t appreciate the pleasure of seeing and touching and smelling things in person. It was another of Amai’s traits that Jillia found so appealing: Amai did enjoy being outside, seeing people in the flesh, touching grass and trees, and walking in the sun.

 

Jillia buckled into her personal flyer and took off into the blue sky, the university shrinking to a dollhouse beneath her.

 

Fields of green and trees and manicured lakes rolled by, all pristine and clean with no one to see besides the bots that kept them. Jillia tried to imagine what it must have been like for Earthers, all stuck on one planet, fighting for any piece of land to live on and no space for privacy or quiet. These days, some people even found the legal maximum population of one million per planet to be too high. The idea of billions of human bodies swarming over a single planet’s surface was at once horrifying and amazing.

 

Highland Park came into view just as the sun began to set, making gold and pink ripples across the glistening surface of the lake it bordered. A single figure stood at the southern shore, with braided, brown hair and a flowered skirt that twitched in the soft breeze.

 

Jillia hovered above, considering what to say, getting lost in a maze of possible conversations. No matter how she planned, she always seemed to say the wrong thing, and left Amai still oblivious to her feelings.

With a deep breath she dropped her flyer down to the beach and landed a dozen meters or so behind Amai.

 

Jillia kicked her sandals off as she approached the beach, and felt the wet sand soft between her toes. The shore was long, empty and pristine. She recalled videos and pictures of ancient Earth beaches, crowded with people and cluttered with trash and wondered how anyone could have relaxed in that environment. As much as she enjoyed learning and thinking about the past, she could never leave behind her modern, safe and clean world. She knew if she could pull her eyes away from Amai for a moment to look back, she’d see that even her sandals were gone, snatched away to be recycled by one of the ever present but never seen maintenance bots.

 

Amai must have heard her coming, turned and waved. Jillia took deep breaths of the fresh, salty air to calm herself, but instead caught a whiff of Amai’s perfume and her heart fluttered up into her throat and set fire to her face. She smiled and waved back, setting off a barrage of voices in her head: You’re smiling too big! You’re waving too hard! Don’t walk so fast!

 

“Hey,” said Amai with a warm grin as Jillia drew near. “The sunset is really great tonight.”

 

It is, thought Jillia. It sparkled nicely in Amai’s blue eyes. They hugged and Jillia made herself count to three then step back, so as not to hold on forever.

 

“How was class?” Amai asked. “Learn anything?”

 

“It was fine,” said Jillia, staring at the waves. Say something, you idiot! cried the voices. “I, uh...” she grabbed frantically at anything to talk about. “I learned about a strange machine from Ancient Earth, an iron maiden.”

 

“Oh?” Amai tossed a rock into the surf. “What did it do?”

 

“It was a great metal box, like a coffin, with spikes inside. People were put in and then when the door shut the spikes would stab them all over and kill them.”

 

Amai stared at her for a moment. “Why would someone want to die like that? How morbid.”

 

“Well they didn’t want to, that’s the point of it.”

 

“You mean they were already dead? It was a kind of... body disposer?”

 

“No, it was for killing people. They were put in it against their will, to die in an intentionally horrible way.” You idiot! Talking about terrifying torture machines to the girl you like? What is wrong with you?

 

Amai just shook her head. “I don’t understand the past.”

 

“Neither do I.”

 

They tossed stones in silence as the sun set. Jillia snuck glances at Amai as often as she felt was safe, drinking in the shape of her cheek, the curve of her hip. All the while the voices in her head shouted. Just say something to her! Tell her! But the last time she opened her mouth an Iron maiden had come out. Silence was safer.

 

They’d known each other about three months, and for Jillia it was love at first, and every other, sight. She sometimes wondered what her life would be like if she hadn’t signed up for her Ancient Earth History class, and  had never seen Amai coming out of building B on that especially bright day--had not seen her drop her tablet, had not picked it up for her, and not been shot through the brain by her perfect blue eyes. A life without Amai in it seemed empty.

 

Now why couldn’t she just say that?

 

“How was your class?” She managed to ask. Amai studied nanobiotics, the newest field of nanotechnology--the latest designed nanobots were biological, and meshed perfectly with the body and the earth alike. Jillia didn’t understand the specifics much, but loved to listen to Amai talk about it. About anything really.

 

“Today was inspiring! This technology is going to help everyone so much. Even people who can’t take the mechanical nanobots will be saved from sickness and disease. And my professor says if I keep up with how I’m doing, I could definitely get into Castor’s!”

 

Castor’s was the top research facility for nanotech. Amai had been dreaming of working there as long as Jillia had known her, it was all she talked about most the time. The fact that she’d have to leave this planet behind seemed trivial to her in the face of the opportunity to do what she loved.

 

“You’ll make it, I know you will, you can do anything.”

 

Amai smiled and pulled at her hair. “You know, these new biobots that we’re studying? Once they’re fully integrated with us, and in sync with our DNA--we could change anything about ourselves with a simple command; skin tone, hair color, even become a man if you wanted.”

 

“Don’t change anything,” Jillia blurted. “You’re perfect.” Her face burned immediately and she swallowed convulsively. She’d done it, she’d finally said something and it had come out like a creepy stalker.

 

Amai just laughed and smiled her perfect smile. “I thought I’d change my eye color.”

 

“But why?”

 

“I’ve always wanted dark eyes. Brown eyes, like yours.”

 

“I...” Jillia’s heart gushed. “You like my eyes?”

 

“Of course, they’re lovely.”

 

“Thank you.” Jillia hoped fervently that her face was not as red as it felt. Amai had never said any such thing to her before. Jillia’s stomach felt like a centrifuge at the chance, even a small chance, that Amai might feel the same way she did.

 

Jillia felt high for the rest of the night. Her head buzzed as she flew home, and her stomach did flips as she keyed the command for hot tea and miso soup into her Supplier. She tossed her clothes into the recycler and the machine gave a soft hum as her shirt and jeans were torn to individual atoms. She pressed a few more keys and the Supplier produced her a fresh, warm nightgown, possibly from the same atoms.

 

With her hot tea and soup and fresh nightgown in order, she sat down at her desk and tried to focus on her Ancient Earth History paper, but all she could think of was Amai.

 

Of course, they’re lovely.

 

She played that few seconds in time over and over in her head, imagining all the things she could have said or done instead of just saying thank you like a dolt. She could have kissed her--that would have been the right move, surely.

 

Jillia forced her eyes to her textbook. Iron maiden. One of many gruesome torture devices of the time, but that one drew her for some reason. She imagined it as a living being, a person that fed on the pain of those who were put inside. It could be a glutton, a creature like that, if it lived on Ancient Earth. Things were so brutal then. People fighting and killing each other to survive. And even when they weren’t fighting, they had to work all day every day just to have food to eat and a place to sleep. That kind of world, full of desperate struggle, fascinated her. Something about the drive people must have had, just to stay alive in such a place, impressed and inspired her to try harder for the things she wanted.

 

People today didn’t have to fight for anything anymore. Jillia smiled thinking of how Amai had been confused by the concept of murder. She was so good hearted, so pure and bright and beautiful- the kind of well adjusted person who wasn’t interested in the horrors of the past. She was perfect.

 

Jillia pushed aside her history text and had her Supplier produce her some fresh paper and a pen. Professor Raber had introduced her to the concept of writing messages by hand on paper, and Jillia found it romantic. With renewed determination, she wrote:

 

Dearest Amai,

 

And this time the words flowed like water.

 

~

 

Professor Raber scanned Jillias paper--printed on actual paper!--and looked up with a grin. “Jillia this is really good, I can see a place for you here studying and writing about history. You have a real passion for it, I can tell.”

 

“Thank you professor.”

 

“I want to sign you up for our advanced course, so you can start publishing papers like this right away. The amount of research you’ve put into this... obscure torture device, it’s very impressive.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’ve got a bright future in this if you keep your mind to it.” Raber handed her the paper back. “I look forward to seeing you in our next class.”

 

The prospect of furthering her studies in history was exciting, but all Jillia could think about was getting to the park to meet up with Amai. She’d finished the letter the night before, and couldn’t bring herself to even read over what she’d written for fear she’d find a comma out of place and chuck the whole thing. Today was the day, she couldn’t wait any longer.

 

Jillia swooped down over the beach and felt a surge of panic. Amai wasn’t there. Then she saw her head bobbing in the waves, swimming in the sparkling blue waters. Jillia landed near the surf and kicked off her sandals, feeling the soft sand beneath her feet and the cool water lapping at her ankles.

 

Amai came up out of the surf, wearing nothing but her pearly skin, and Jillia’s heart slammed around in her chest.

 

Amai waved and waded to shore, squeezing water out of her long, dark hair. “It’s so refreshing, you should try it.”

 

“I... I will.” Jillia clutched the letter, the folded paper soaking sweat from her palms.

 

“I’m so glad to see you, today was amazing!” Amai threw her arms around her and Jillia felt so on fire she was surprised steam wasn’t rising from them. “Oh I’m sorry, I got your dress wet.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“Jill,” Amai stood back, hands on Jillia’s shoulders, a suppressed grin on her face. “I made it in. I’m going to Castor’s!” They both screamed and Amai flung her arms around Jillia again.

 

Jillia’s whole body buzzed and the letter in her hand felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. “I’m so happy for you.” She squeezed the note. Could she still give it to her now, or should she wait? Would it be inappropriate? She didn’t want to wait. She knew the voices in her head would talk her out of it eventually if she didn’t just do it now. She thrust the letter forward. “I want you to read this.”

 

“Read it?” Amai took the paper carefully in her fingers and unfolded it. “You wrote this? Like, with a pen?”

 

“Yes, I learned in my history class.”

 

Amai’s eyes scanned over the lines, each word like a drop of blood from Jillia’s heart. Jillia tried to read Amai’s expression, to see her reaction, but her face was still.

 

“Did you... is this about me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I don’t understand, this is...”

 

“I love you.” The voices in her head went silent. Everything went silent. Even the waves seemed to pause from crashing, and the wind held its breath.

 

“Well, I love you too Jill. You’re a great friend.”

 

No.

 

“No, I love you. I always have.” Jillia kissed her, and a wave crashed into their thighs. And I always will, she thought. If she didn’t know it before, she knew now, the moment their lips touched.

 

Amai backed away. “Jillia, I... I don’t think--I have to go.”

Amai turned and jogged to her flyer. Jillia watched her go, unable to speak, unable to reach out and grab the one thing that meant anything to her and was now running away from her. She fell to her knees and let the surf wash over her.

 

~

 

“You’re really sure about this?” Professor Raber took back the tablet Jillia had just scanned her thumbprint on, making the document official.

 

“Yes, I have to move.”

 

“But you’re doing so well! And, you know, I could make an exception for you. You could holo in.”

 

“I’m moving off planet.”

 

“I see.” The professor’s face clouded. “I’ll miss you, Jillia. You would have done great here, you know.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Where are you going anyway?”

 

“Castor’s University.”

 

“Castor’s, why?”

 

Jillia left without answering. Maybe she didn’t have an answer, not a good one. If Amai was on Castor’s, Jillia would be there too. Even if it meant giving up her studies of Ancient Earth. Even if she had no chance of making Amai love her, she was compelled to try.

 

As she packed for her flight, she thought again of the iron maiden, and all the suffering of the ancient people of Earth. Was her world any better? Humanity took pride in having solved hunger and sickness and nearly every need. But as long as there was love, there would be pain, and there would be humans to seek it out.

 

Jillia checked the message she’d been typing for the past few days over once more:

 

Amai,

I’m sorry about at the beach, I was just really stressed from my class and I don’t know what came over me. I’ve dropped the class now, and am moving on to new things. Good luck at Castor’s, I hope we can see each other there.

 

With a sigh she pressed send. She knew she should move on. She knew it was unhealthy to keep hope. But she couldn’t resist that bittersweet twinge in her stomach when they were near, or the flush across her skin when they made eye contact.

 

She could live on Castor’s--she’d already had her housing unit reassigned--even if there was nothing for her to study there, she could live, and love, even if she wasn’t loved in return.

 

Without a look back, Jillia stepped into her own iron maiden, and pulled the door closed.